New in Theaters:
Conan the Barbarian
How does a mighty barbarian with a heart o’ gold make his way in the world? If one listens to the portentous voiceover in this laughably unnecessary film, it’s a healthy dose of “slaying, thieving, surviving.” Which only makes sense, as what else is a kid to do after his father is butchered in front of his eyes by a bug-eyed father-and-daughter team who really should have worked out their issues in therapy rather than on the bodies of unlucky barbarians? Familial bonds broken, a pre-teen Conan (Leo Howard) sets out for adventure, vengeance, and — we’re led to think — resolution of his serious case of survivor’s guilt. The cliché-littered, lazy script gives him plenty of opportunity for the first two but not so much the last…
The new Conan the Barbarian (no Arnie, sorry) opens today all over the place. You can read my review at filmcritic.com.